Newest Blurbs!

• McCain Will Lose This Election = We Are Doomed
• Obama Will Lose This Election = We Are Doomed
• Ron Paul Will Lose This Election = Things Stay the Same
• Debate Tabloid is BACK!
• Debate Tabloid Officially Endorses IrishMexItalian LDer/IrishMex Rebel for HSD!
• Speeches Given At Nats = Disease?

Seeing that the first three points aren't really 'new' blurbs, we will get straight to the chase.

Debate Tabloid Storms Back!

Debate Tabloid Staff are not responsible for the content of this intensely useless picture.

The Debate Tabloid Staff are finally back from a long season of hibernation (internal link to the picture, impacts: awesomeness, vote aff) ready to rock this new debate season. Get ready to laugh, cry, be offended and choke on some pretzels. So put some lipstick on your maverick pig and get ready to enjoy this season of hope, change, and diversity!

Debate Tabloid Endorses Ticket for Elections

Vote Big or Go Home

We're endorsing peeps for the first time. So who? McCain? Obama? Some nameless third party automon? No. Of course not. We're talking about elections that matter, of course. We are endorsing IrishMexItalian LDer and IrishMex Rebel for HSD President and Vice President. Why?

1. Looks. Yeah, they matter.

2. Irishness. It seems like everyone wants to be Irish. Well we want an Irish President in the mold of JFK/Reagan with a little Andrew Jackson (didn't know he was Irish? Neither did we.)

3. Debate skillz. You know it.

4. Wonkish awesomeness. Yeah we look at policies. They rule at it.

'Speeches at Nats May Induce Illness'--WSJ


Birmingham, AL- Professor Francis Fukamaya noticed something strange when the hospitals at Birmingham were crowded during a particular time. Similiar incidents were reported at hospitals in the Belton, TX area and Purceville, VA area. He contacted Professors James Sowell and Carol Vance and found that each of these surges happened during a particular time and those suffering from the illnesses were all between the ages of 14-18 and in suits/pantsuits/nice skirts that don't go above the knee. They eventually realized that NCFCAers at Nats were swarming the hospitals, complaining of swollen knees, lack of linguistic skills and motor functions and lastly the inability to properly write. They spoke in choppy, gramatically incorrect sentences and were in a state of shock. It appears that each surge occurred around the time of the announcing of breaks and awards. Specifically the time around Mr. Larimer and Mrs. Moon give their speeches. It appears that researchers from St. John's Medical Hospital in Plano, TX will be attending these ceremonies in 2009 and giving their research over to the FDA, who will then advise Congress on a bill to deal with the matter. No comment from the NCFCA board.

 

--Charmingly,

The DT Staff

We have just learned through our radio segment (Radio Free Tabloid) and through various inside sources that the NCFCA plans to gerrymander the slots in such a way that California (R-2) will lose over 2/3 of it's previous held slots. Though this is run by people from several regions we here at DT heavily oppose this move.

We call upon all debaters and speakers, from all regions, to defend their sister-state and resist this communist, socialist, fascist imperialism onto California and demand fair amounts of slots! We can only lose chains! Russkik Haza!

Peacefully,

--DT Staff

• The Ultimate Aff Case

We'd like to remind everyone that this is a joke. In no way can we affect the policies of the USFG.

The case is as follows:

“There’s no halfsinging in the shower, either you’re a rock star or an opera diva” It is because I agree with this quotation by Josh Groban that I stand resolved that the United States Government (USG) should get rid of Mrs. Moon.

 

Observation : Resolutional Analysis

<!  A.    Definitions

1.  USG: United States Federal Government

2.    Get rid of: exile

b.  B.   Criterion: Net Benefits

 

Plan: The USFG through a secret executive order, that only the President can see shall sentence Mrs. Moon to exile in Haiti.

Mandate: Normal Means

 

Advantage 1: Nats Opening/Closing ceremony length

<! A.     Harms. Currently most of the time in theceremony of NCFCA nats is caused by Mrs. Moon’s speech. We think that this isbad because it takes away from the purpose of NCFCA and the reason we are all there: the awards.

<! B.   Link. Plan exiles Mrs. Moon which would allowhere not come into the US

<! C.    Internal Link. The NCFCA is in the US

<! D.    Impacts.

1.    More focus on competition

2.    More self-loathing

 

Advantage 2: Judges

A. Harms.

1.      Judges currently suck. They don’t know the difference between a harm and an advantage.  Look to CBS News July 29 2007 (and if it's from CBS you know it's good),

"Most judges in the NCFCA after nationals thought that Kosovo was a brandof toothpaste."

2.      Currently Mrs. Moon is in control of the judge's orientation. We think that this is bad because it takes from better judges which means that debaters, in turn, cannot explore more fun interpretations of the resolution thus harming the education of the activity. She promotes theideology that “less is more” but we would tell that if less was more they would call it more.

<!  B.     Link: Plan exiles her

<   C.    Impacts:

1.    More education is good, because that’s supposed to means omething, right?

2.     We get judges who know what Kosovo is.

 

Advantage 3: AIDS

<!   A.    Currently there is AIDS

<!  B.     Currently Mrs. Moon is not exiled

<!  C.    Duh!

Advantage 4:  Helping Haitian poverty

<!  A.     Harms. Currently Haiti is really poor. This means that people don’t have money. If people don’t have money then you can’t buy stuff. Not being able to buy stuff is bad. The only way that Haiti is surviving now is because people buy cigars from the Dominican Republic which is right next to Haiti and for some reason the Dominican Republic helps them.  Even with that life suck in Haiti.

<!  B.   Link. Plan exiles Mrs. Moon to Haiti

<!  C.    Internal Link. We think that if Mrs. Moon is exiled there, the Haitians will get so sick of her that they will try and leave. But since they are on an island they are so screwed. With this many people are going to kill themselves(32%) out of annoyance of Mrs. Moon.

<!  D.    Internal Link 2. If people kill themselves then they leave behind their money and there is no one to spend it, in which case someone gets the money. Therefore we can see that Haiti need Mrs. Moon more than us and we are doing a selfless action by sending her there.

<! Impacts. Haiti has more money per person whichin turn makes them a richer nation. Boo-Ya!

In conclusion we can see that there is no reason to reject the plan. Not only is the plan awesomely beneficial to the US but also to Haiti. Because of this, we meet the criterion of net benefits. Therefore the resolution is affirmed and the USFG should exile Mrs. Moon to Haiti. Thank I now stand open for Cross-X

--With much love to Mrs. Moon,

The DT Staff